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I Am Afraid I Will Never Find Love Because Of How I Look.

I Am Afraid I Will Never Find Love Because Of How I Look.

It feels like I will never find love though I crave it so badly

I’ve always dreamed of having a girlfriend. I I want to care for someone and to be cared for. I want to know that during different times of the day, someone is always thinking about me. It’s all I’ve dreamed about but I’ve just been living in a nightmare.

I’m trapped in a cycle – study, eat, sleep and repeat. Even in class, I’m usually alone or with one other friend and we don’t even speak that much. I don’t really dare to start conversations with my female classmates because I’m kinda self-conscious of the way I look and speak. 

I can’t even get a female close friend. How do I get a lover?

A lot of my friends got together with their girlfriends because they had a pre-existing friendship. Whenever I bring up the topic of getting a girlfriend, they always tell me how much easier it is to get into a relationship with a female friend because we would already know each other quite well. 

They also talk about how the vibes just sync better than if you were to get together with someone you just met. Whenever they talk about how great their relationship is, I can’t help but sulk and think “why can’t I have the same?”. It really sucks. I can’t even move to the second step because my first step is non-existent. If I don’t even have a female friend, how do I move on to talking to them, then getting to know them and then asking for a date? 

I screw up dates because of my fear of talking

I have a fear of talking to people – I don’t know why. I’ll start stuttering, I can’t make eye contact and I definitely can’t hold a conversation for long. I like to attribute it to being an introvert but it really doesn’t help my situation.

My friends are always trying to set me up with someone. I went once, but it was abysmal. I couldn’t keep up the conversation and it was just awkward so we ended the night pretty early. I haven’t met new people in a long time and even though I know I should, I just can’t bring myself to do it. 

Unhealed Trauma: being mocked for making a move

This probably has the most effect on me because it really was the start to my downfall in terms of finding a girlfriend. 

Back when I was more sociable, I tried making a lot of friends and trying to get girls to go out with me. I made my moves respectfully but I remember that girls would laugh at me behind my back. I don’t know what they said about me – did they think I was funny? Probably not. I assume it’s something along the lines of how irritating and dumb I am to be talking to them. If it was something nice, they would have said it directly to me, right?

From then on, I started to talk less and less to girls. I was afraid the same thing might happen again. I was just trying to make friends and find someone who vibes with me – is that really a crime? 

Maybe it was just silly secondary school behaviour but it definitely has had a lasting impact on me. 

I am talking to someone online now. I hope it turns out to be something.

I met someone online recently and I’m having the time of my life. I met her online through a game and became friends with her. We really hit it off – we like the same things, play the same games and even listen to the same music. 

I’m not sure if she’s interested in me that way but she did say that she would date me if she knew me in real life. She always compliments me on my humor but it’s well-known that that usually means the guy goes into the friendzone. 

I’m still holding out a bit of hope that this may progress. However, I’m scared. I feel like I’m super ugly and if we were to meet up in real life, she’ll just run away when she sees how ugly I am. It’s the same reason why I don’t want to set up an online dating profile (Tinder etc) because I don’t want my heart broken and my ego bruised any further. I want to try my luck on these apps because I’ve been hearing cute stories about how people have met their forever someone on Tinder.

Yet, I don’t want to spend weeks or months talking to someone just for them to run away or reject me because of my physical appearance. Is anyone going through the same thing as me or has gone through something similar?

Have you met your forever someone? If you did, how did you do it? I’m in desperate need of advice! 

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