I was led on by a curious straight boy, only to be outed by him to the whole school
I was bullied in school for being ‘sissy’ and ostracised by my friends, all after I had a crush on one of the popular “jocks”, Jake. Jake decided to initially “use” me to experiment with his sexuality: He would talk about how I was a replacement for a girl because I was feminine. We would get sexually intimate quite often, despite him being rude to me. I guess I lost myself in all the validation seeking. Then all of a sudden, he decided to out me to the class and mocked me for being a “girl”. I felt used and that I was nothing but a sex toy. That planted the basis for my sexual escapades.
Living in a Christian family, my parents were very pious and devoted themselves to the church. So when they found out that I was gay when I told them why I was bullied, instead of offering emotional support, they berated me for being gay. And they even told me that I was going to hell for living this “lifestyle”.
I felt like sex was the only thing I was good for. So I started chasing it
After that traumatizing incident, I deeply believed that I could never build any relationship with people or form meaningful connections, so sex was the answer since I was good at it. I began meeting other guys in an attempt to find that intimacy and connection, on different apps.
Having sex allowed me to temporarily disconnect from the world and its toils when I felt a connection with that person just for that moment. It eventually became my means to escape from reality. Over time, the sexual encounters started to lose their appeal as they became so routine and empty. They just weren’t enough to fill the void I was desperately trying to fill.
Grindr: The Secret Codes
For context, In the gay community, there are certain codes that we chat in before hooking up:
- Stats would mean sending your height, weight, age, & sexual position.
- NPNC means “No Pic No Chat”
- NSA means No Strings Attached
- Other more taboo terms like “CF,” a snowflake, snowman, or ice cream emoji are usually code for “Chem Fun/Chill Fun”: Sexual Intimacy that involves the use of substances, usually m*th
Now that I’m older, I know that Chem Fun is a pandemic in the gay hookup culture worldwide. I’ve had more than one friend prosecuted for using illicit substances for sex. Back then, I knew nothing much about the experience itself.
One night, while browsing Grindr, I got hit up by an attractive guy. He was intriguing and magnetic so I agreed to meet him for an NSA sex date at his place. When I went over, he suddenly asked me if I was keen to try CF. Usually, I would block anyone who had ‘CF’ in their bio, but I really liked him so when he slipped it in last minute, I was caught off-guard. I had never tried anything other than plain vanilla sex, and I was scared. But at the same time, I was very curious about how it would feel.
Dancing with The Devil
He started reassuring me that it was fine and that it was common in the gay community then promised that if I felt uncomfortable at any time, we could stop and end the session. Having a few friends that had done CF before and remarked that nothing could ever compare to that sexual experience, I decided to give it a go.
I went to the bathroom, with my heart pounding at what was going to happen After my shower, I started having a mini panic attack as to what I was doing. I rationalized that it was too late to back out as I was already at his place.
He gestured for me to take a seat on his bed, and he pulled out a mini safe, the kind that looks like a book, and he opened it up. Inside the safe were some small packets of white powder. He started to prepare by putting the white substance into the b*ng and heating it up to melt it into a liquid. He then gestured for me to take a hit.
Despite my whole body screaming that this was wrong, I was too curious to see how different it would be. I took the straw end; he heated the liquid into a cloud of smoke and gestured for me to take it in. I breathed out and placed the straw in my mouth and started inhaling. The taste was bitter and slightly charred, and I was feeling dejected that it wasn’t as good as I imagined. As I started exhaling, that was when it hit me.
I blacked out for almost half an hour from the intense session
My heart started racing and pumping hard. I could feel the blood rushing through my veins and I felt this ecstatic rush. It was so intense that I moaned as I exhaled slowly. He gestured for me to take another hit after him and I followed along. Three hits, he said, was the sweet spot.
After that, we rested in bed for a while to catch our breaths. I felt this sensation of heat and sensitivity on my skin that I never felt before. Every touch was electrifying. He moved closer to me and hugged me, and I started moaning. He then asked me if we could do it raw, and I agreed, my normal stance of having safe sex was completely forgotten. We engaged in the most passionate and wild sex I’ve ever experienced, and it lasted for 24 hours. The substance gave us the energy to continue throughout the entire day and night. When it ended, I blacked out for almost half an hour from the intense finish.
Normal sex just did not cut it anymore, it was lacking and disappointing
After we cleaned up, I bided him goodbye. The next few days I kept craving the same intense sex and feeling.
I started getting myself involved in more and more CF sessions, desperate to chase that sexual high. Every time I engaged in it, it felt like it was never enough. After the sessions ended, I always felt this deep sense of emptiness, way worse than before that I had to fill.
I began using more, to constantly stay in that state of euphoria, so I don’t have to feel that emptiness anymore. I’ve spent countless nights aimlessly scrolling on gay dating apps, just wanting to find the next person to have sex with. The substance was like caffeine, giving me the energy to go on days without sleeping or eating. I slowly lost track of time. My mind was so fixated on it, that I started ignoring my classmates or schoolwork or family as they didn’t contribute to that sexual high I was seeking. They were “turning me off”.
Keeping myself in that state of high was taking a toll on my health, studies, and relationships around me, without me even noticing
Ever since I started getting addicted to chasing that high, I started to lose track of time. All I could focus on was the next sexual high, the next intimate moment, the next hit from the substances.
Right before my final exams, I was requested to meet the lecturer-in-charge of our class for a one-on-one session. Because I was so fixated on chasing that intimacy, my grades plummeted and I almost failed a subject as I did not submit a few assignments – I had a session the night before and felt like it was fine to not submit any assignments.
The lecturer told me she was very concerned about my health, as I was becoming very thin from not eating properly, and told me that my classmates had had feedback to her that my personality changed. At first, I denied it as I was afraid that she caught on to me using substances. However, she started to tear up and said that no matter what is happening in my personal life, she and my friends would be there to help and support me. I was shocked. In my mind, I had formed the story that no one cared enough about me, and I craved that connection from strangers. I did not expect that my lecturer or even my classmates or friends cared for me. I mentally and physically kept them away so I could self-sabotage and justify my sexual escape.
Having the realization that I was cared for, was shocking. It shook me out of the daze I was clouded in.
After the consultation, I reflected on what the hell I was doing and started to notice how people were affected by me. My parents were becoming worried that I was locked up in my room or not even returning home but I took their concern as an annoyance. My classmates were trying to rebuild that connection by asking me out for dinners and hanging out, but I took that as belittling me. Scrapping the surface of my self-sabotage slowly, I started to see the toll it took on me and made a conscious decision to focus on my life again.
It wasn’t easy at the start as I still had that craving for the euphoric hookups, but I reduced it slowly, from almost daily to once a week. The dealbreaker for me was when my partner suddenly went radio silent. That usually meant only one thing, that he was caught by the police. That alone created enough paranoia and fear that I decided to throw all my existing stuff away and stay away for good.
I have been sober for 10 years now. This is my advice to anyone else chasing the highs.
I’m still sober today after 10 years, focusing a lot on growth, therapy, and self-development to make sure I would never spiral into that state again. Through that experience, I found out that the connections we want, or desire are usually around us. It’s us that need to be able to see that connection and reach out to those who care.
My advice to many other gay people reading this: I know how easy it is to get caught up chasing the highs. But you will never win in this game. If you’re hurt, open up your heart to wholesome experiences. Seek comfort in people who love you in their natural states. Remember, the higher you go, the harder you fall. It’s never too late to stop and seek help. You are loved. We are already a vulnerable community, we don’t need to hurt ourselves further.
If you’re craving healthy connection and support, reach out to join our wholesome Savour#fam and our nourishing experiential events!