I Don’t Want To Lose My BFF, Despite Us Having A Toxic Friendship.

Dealing with a toxic friendship

Why am I in a toxic friendship? Simply because relationships, in general, mean a lot to me. I had a good group of friends when I was in primary school. However, after switching schools in Primary 3, I realised that the number of friends I had decreased to the point where, by the end of Primary 6, I had no one left because I was bullied. I felt very lonely and envied people who could spend their after-school hours with their friends.

So, when I started secondary school, I was relieved to have found a group of friends with whom I could hang out. I grew particularly close to one of my friends because we both loved K-pop and fashion.

My best friend, S, and I have been friends for 12 years. As the years go on, I realise our friendship is becoming more toxic, and I’m the only one trying to salvage it. I’ve put so much time and effort into this relationship, and I don’t want to end it, even if it’s toxic. Everything inside of me and everyone around me is telling me that I should run away from her, but I just can’t end it.

I Gave, She Took

The give-and-take was one-sided. I was always the one making plans, taking into account what she liked. When she asked for a favour, I was always happy to help if it was within my power. When I asked for one, she would have a harder time saying yes. Sometimes, I wonder why am I so nice to her? Do I feel obliged to do so because I’m her best friend? Can I not be angry or upset at her?

Once, I didn’t respond to her message because I was too busy for the day. Then I saw her cryptic messages on Instagram Stories—the only thing I had access to. I didn’t think much of it at first, but I was concerned that something had happened to her. So I began messaging her on Instagram, Telegram, and WhatsApp. However, she did not answer the phone. After a while, I realised she was irritated with me for not responding to her. She then told a close friend of ours this:

“I’m not in for any calls, but make up your mind to set aside time to meet up instead of shrugging the thought off as not hearing me out. Once you blow this chance, I will no longer want to hear anything from you.”

This made me wonder if I made a mistake. Am I gonna lose my best friend of ten years just because I didn’t respond to her message for the day? Was her message so important that I had to put my work aside to attend to it? I was completely perplexed.

I broke down because I had so many issues to resolve. I was stressed about going broke, but I had to pay my student loans every month. I was being gaslighted by a guy that I was dating, and I had to care for my sick grandma.

I discovered she was upset because I couldn’t meet her to get a $100+ bracelet to commemorate our ten years of friendship. She has a full-time job, and I am not as financially stable as she is. She can buy as many bags and shoes as she wants. In my case, all of the money I earn goes towards repaying my student loans. Aren’t friends supposed to be more understanding?

However, things got better when she finally agreed to have a call. I am quick to forgive, maybe that’s why she took me for granted.

Resentment Starts To Build Up

I was starting to resent my friend, especially after realising she was taking me for granted. I bought her a gift she had mentioned wanting, and we planned to meet so I could give it to her and catch up over dinner.

She said she “wasn’t feeling it but that we could meet somewhere closer”. So, I travelled all the way to the mall near her house. I informed her that I would arrive in 25 minutes to give her time to prepare. However, when I reached, she wasn’t there. So, I went to Guardian to get some of the items she said she needed. I messaged her asking for her ETA, but she wasn’t replying me. I even tried calling her three times, but she wasn’t answering.

I ended up waiting for her for an hour without knowing whether or not she had left her house. I sat on a bench, rethinking our friendship. I was filled with rage, sadness, and disappointment.

This wasn’t the first time she was late when we met. Once, I had to wait for her for three hours. I walked around Bugis Junction and Bugis+ multiple times before finding a spot at Starbucks because my legs felt like they were going to break. I waited for an hour and a half before she decided to reply to me, saying that she was going to reach in five stops.

However, she took longer than expected, and I was freezing in Starbucks. Because I wanted a seat, I didn’t leave. When she arrived, she had the audacity to put down her bag and just buy a drink.

No “I’m sorry for being late” or any other explanation.

Dealing With Her Jealousy

When my current boyfriend and I got together officially, I wanted to introduce him to S. I thought they would be able to get along, and I was excited to do so. However, when I brought it up, she wasn’t happy about it. She told me, “I won’t congratulate you because relationships won’t last, unless you are going to apply for a BTO with the person.”

Even though she has never given me relationship advice, she said, “Why does the mentee always get the award first? “Shouldn’t I, the mentor, be in a relationship before you?”

I was shocked at what she said, but I just gave her a shrug and pretended that I was okay with it.

As time went on, her sarcasm and lack of enthusiasm made me feel bad for talking about my boyfriend, and even replying to his messages in front of her.

Everything was a competition to her. However, I didn’t want that. Having a good friendship means being genuinely happy for each other.

Emotional Dumping Ground

To me, friendship entails being there for one another. Friends should always be there to help one another during difficult times. No one, however, has the emotional capacity to sustain that level of distress on an ongoing basis. A healthy friendship involves treating one’s friend with regard for their time and mental energy. You cannot treat someone as an emotional dumping ground if you want to have a healthy friendship.

I guess all of us would be familiar with the term “energy vampires.” I recently found out that my best friend is one. There’s never anything good going on in their lives, but it’s never their fault. Whenever I hear her explaining what happened, I realise that the problem is her, but I have to tell her in an indirect way, or else she will be angry.

I understand that a healthy friendship requires both parties to respect one another’s time and mental energy. However, I was already accustomed to being the “therapist friend”; all of my friends come to me for advice and to vent their emotions. As a result, I just take it as me there for her when she needs help.

What to do when you have a toxic friendship

I guess I’m not ready to experience the ending of any relationship. S and I have been friends for 12 years; the effort I’ve put into this friendship will be wasted if I ended it like that. I’m also not ready for the pain and the long period I have to take to recover from it.

Despite the fact that pain is a great teacher, we are hardwired to avoid it. When it comes to friendships and relationships, we have a tendency to ignore all of our natural instincts for self-preservation and continue to put ourselves in hurtful situations.

Many people have told me to just end the friendship because the longer I drag it out, the more it will hurt. However, I have formed an attachment to her. I’ve been so comfortable with her in my life, and I am probably afraid of what life will be like without her. I can’t imagine not having her as my maid of honour at my wedding or our kids not being childhood friends. Even if I want to end the friendship, it will take some time to do so.

I have a toxic best friend and this is my story. Share with me stories of your toxic friendships below!