My Porn Addiction Escalated Into An Obsession For Voyeuring After A Public Toilet Encounter.
It started with compulsive porn addiction, until it stopped satisfying me.
My porn addiction was severe. I used to watch porn for four hours in one sitting everyday. I’d end up sleeping at 3am and waking up at 8am. I’d tell myself ‘just one last one’, before I stepped out the door for work, and I started being late. After awhile I got bored of watching porn. I’d keep thinking what else would be more sexually pleasurable and I became fixated on chasing the highs. I’d look out from my bedroom and the blocks opposite me, wondering what people do at the staircases. I was obsessed but I never acted out on it.
I always had an unexplainable curiosity for what happens behind closed doors. I realized this because if I was in a hotel I’d wonder what was happening in the other rooms. Even when I walked past buildings or apartments, I’d stop and ponder what goes on behind the curtains and windows. It was never sexual at this point, I was just curious but I never explored my thoughts much.
My first taste of the thrill of voyeuring strangers was purely accidental.
I was in Malaysia and I casually went to the toilet to do my business. As I was seated on the seat, in the cubicle, I felt water spraying at me from the adjacent cubicle. Upon looking closely, I noticed that there was a hole in the wall from which the water was leaking. I took a peek without thinking much and I caught a glimpse of a man masturbating. I remember the feeling and euphoria of that moment. That’s when I got a taste of what it felt like to catch what other people were doing behind closed doors. It was the first time in my life, one of my unexplainable curious moments had a satisfactory resolution. It was like that itch on my back had finally been scratched and I wanted more of it.
I got hooked onto voyeuristic porn. I became obsessed with taking it to the next level.
It was also my first time seeing someone naked. Up till that point, I had only watched porn compulsively. I was in University when this happened and was still exploring my sexuality. After that incident, I sort of just went back to my own things until I came across anonymous Twitter porn accounts whose content comprised voyeuristic pictures of strangers having sex or showering. I got hooked on those videos and studied how they were taken. I became hooked on the thrill of catching these moments firsthand. That was when I started to actively explore public toilets and spaces to catch people in the act. The more I was exposed, the more insatiable my sexual desires became. I guess why I kept pushing the boundaries is because porn just did not give me the same adrenaline anymore.
Image Credit: CNA
I started recording these strangers whenever I caught them in the act. I never intentionally stalked anyone but I’d go to popular gay cruising spots and wait for a chance. My intention was never to distribute my recordings as content. I just loved the adrenaline rush I got whenever I caught someone’s private act. The thrill was like a high I never got from porn.
I eventually got apprehended by the police. I am grateful that I was caught.
My voyeuristic ‘adventures’ only went on for a year before I got apprehended by the police. On hindsight, I’m thankful that I was caught. I don’t know what kind of person I would have become if I was not stopped. Getting caught, led me to counselling and support groups where I became aware of my ‘addiction’. That’s what addiction is: it creeps up on you and possesses you like the demon it is. You’re not even aware you’ve succumbed to it until you hit rock bottom. Being apprehended for having pictures of strangers in toilets, on my phone was my rock bottom. I felt ashamed too but I met others who were on their journey to recovery and it helped me see I was wrong.
I am recovering from my addiction. I get trauma and shame whenever I step into a public toilet now.
Since being caught, I haven’t acted on my impulses. But whenever I go to the toilet, I get hit with a wave of trauma. It’s weird because I wasn’t the victim but being reminded about the scary headspace i drifted to in the past, is traumatic. I just have to be extra cautious and constantly remind myself not to relapse, even if the situation comes up.
This is my advice to others who have the same impulses as me.
I want others like me who are in danger of spiralling down this path, to be aware that this is an actual disorder. For me, I saw it as simply acting on my curiosity and I was okay with it because no one was getting ‘hurt’. But being diagnosed now with voyeuristic disorder, reminds me that nothing about it is normal. And I’m grateful because now I can take precautions and think twice before acting on my intrusive thoughts. Awareness is key.
If you’re not aware you may be inclined to have such issues, when something goes wrong in your life, you might act out on it. By then, the damage would have been done and it’ll be too late. You have to admit you have a problem and find the proper channels to deal with it.
I have friends who still engage in voyeuristic acts such as taking pictures of men in the trains or buses. Many people argue that it’s acceptable. But to me it’s wrong actually. Because you are invading someone’s privacy, and causing them alarm or distress. To people who say there’s nothing wrong in voyeuring : I say it’s up to you. I’ve warned you. I’ve been through this. It starts from a very seemingly innocent thing and one day it will come back to bite you.
Are you dealing with addiction? What was it that got you hooked onto your vice?
