She hated my boyfriend from the start
I met my new boyfriend two years ago, when we were just friends. We talked for a few months, and I fell for him. The problem is that my mom never liked him even when he was a friend and warned me against having romantic relations with him. Well, love knows no bounds, right? I fell for him hard but refrained from telling her.
We started dating, and it’s been some time since. Recently, my conservative Chinese mother brought up the possibility of us dating again and sternly warned me against it. Obviously, I lied and played it off pretty well, insisting that we couldn’t even remain friends, agreeing she was “right” that we were incompatible.
She is prejudiced against him due to his career, past smoking habits and family background
Before lying to her that my boyfriend and I had broken up, she did suspect and asked me if we were dating. Stupidly, I said yes, and she outright rejected the relationship.
My boyfriend works a manual job but earns a good and stable income. There’s also decent progression! I’m very proud of him because I know it has not been easy and won’t be easy, but he is trying his best.
As for his family background, his parents have been divorced for some time. Other than that, he grew up in a pretty typical family. I’ve met his family, and we get along decently well, definitely better than if my mom and he were to meet.
He doesn’t have many vices, except that he used to smoke. All in all, he’s a great partner and very committed to our relationship. However, my mom doesn’t share my view. She is prejudiced against him due to his career, past smoking habits and family background.
She has this opinion that “manual jobs cannot earn money”. I don’t understand because I’ve proved to her that it isn’t the case. She’s also adamant that he hasn’t and won’t ever change his smoking habits, no matter how much he loves me. Despite evidence that he has not smoked for months, she rebutted that I won’t know how long this will last since I don’t live with him.
She forced me to kneel before the family altar, take a death oath and humiliated me
She threatened, time and time again, to disown me if she knew that I was still dating him. She forced me to kneel before the family altar and humiliated me. She pushed me down and forced me to raise my hand to make an oath – that I would never date this man. She made me bet on my parents’ lives! The feelings of anger, shock and betrayal took over me. I could not believe what she did to me. How can a mother do this to a daughter? It felt like a death oath and the biggest guilt trip in history.
Until now, I have no idea why she did what she did, and I cannot fathom doing this to anyone. She made it out as though I betrayed every being in my family and the universe if I dated this man. Some days, I think about it and just feel so disgusted. She could have sat with me, talked it out and given me what she perceived as “advice”, but no, she chose to shut me down brutally and shamed me.
There is a fine line between abuse and guiding your child
Back in her days, she also had a similar relationship to mine. She doesn’t talk about it much, but I know it hurt her back then. I think she’s projecting her hurt and insecurities onto my boyfriend, which I could understand and me. Still, it doesn’t make it less frustrating.
Apart from her past relationship, my grandfather (her father) also developed lung cancer because of heavy smoking, which was difficult for my mom. She went through a lot of emotional and physical turmoil because of the diagnosis, and I guess she didn’t want me to go through the same thing.
Before the death oath incident, I could still reason with myself and persuade myself to understand and sympathise with her. However, after she humiliated and shamed me, I found it hard to empathise or sympathise with her anymore. Her intention may be good, but she has to know how toxic her action was towards me. There is a fine line between abuse and guiding your child. After that day, I honestly think she was bordering on abuse.
I’ve lied to my mom since day one to continue dating my boyfriend without her going ‘crazy’
She’s already ‘crazy’ when she hasn’t confirmed we’re dating. Imagine how much more disturbing her actions would get if she knew we were dating.
I feel guilty. I just keep thinking – would it have worked out if I didn’t tell my mom about his smoking habits or where he worked? I love my parents and boyfriend so much, and that guilt of lying to them both has been eating me up inside.
“When you become a parent, then you can talk”
Due to how guilty and upset I felt, I opened up on social media. I gave my side of the story and why I felt so vexed. I didn’t expect support or people to cheer me on, but I did want a sympathetic ear from anyone.
Yet, I was met with comments such as “What an ungrateful brat”, “parents are more important”, and “When you become a parent, then you can talk”. I was dumbfounded. The Internet isn’t a nice place, and I get that, but to have my concerns dismissed like that? It made me feel ten times worse.
I am grateful for what my parents have done for me, but does this mean they control my life forever? Should I give up everything just to make them happy? Do I have to become a parent to know how toxic my mom is being?
I’m still in distress, eating me from the inside out as the days pass. I would be grateful for any form of advice.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? How did you get yourself out of it?